Your Armor
by onesieandacalendar
Summary: Mark and Addison in New York after Derek left. Written for the greys exchange on LJ. Angsty


**Thanks to McMuffin for beta-ing this :) Reviews make my day.**

**Disclaimer- I'd like.. sell my soul to the devil if it meant I got to write for Grey's.**

~*~

The first time you think about it, actually think about the weight of the situation, you're standing in his apartment. Your arms are flying wildly in the air and tears are falling so fast _you just can't stop. _You're screaming things at him that make absolutely no sense but hey, everything else is fucked up so why the hell wouldn't this conversation be?

He looks straight at you and says "Stop fighting me, Addison." Slowly, you pull your arms down, allowing him to pull you into his embrace. "Let me love you."

You look up at him, and with an unsteady breath, answer "Okay."

xxxxx

The next morning you're standing in the bathroom looking at the mirror, running your fingers through your now-blonde hair. Mark walks in and eyes you curiously before speaking, "Blonde?"

You cut him off, "Too much?"

He shrugs, "Red fit you."

"I needed a change." You admit, and walk into the bedroom so you can sit.

"It doesn't look bad."

"But it doesn't look good." You look down at your feet and sigh, "I look horrible."

He shakes his head, "You could dye your hair green and still be the most beautiful woman in the world."

"You think?"

"I know."

The next day you convince Mark to take you to a hair salon to get your hair dyed back to red.

When he shakes his head and rolls his eyes you give him a light punch on his arm.

The hairdresser mutters something similar to "What a beautiful couple" And you decide that maybe, just maybe, you'll be okay.

xxxxx

The next few days are probably some of the worst in your life.

Your instability leads to meaningless fights with Mark (followed by meaningless sex, so you suppose at times the days aren't _that _bad) and people talk, people talk _a lot, _which never really seemed to bother you until now.

The thing that kills you though, is that thanks to a chatty nurse who failed to notice the nearby teenager with very good ears, is you're now known around every high school in New York City as a slut, and you hear repeated "Who the hell would cheat on Derek Shepherd?"s as you walk down the street.

The next day Mark walks into every high school in NYC, determined to find the kid who started this. When he does, he knocks him out with one punch, and walks out before he can be arrested.  
That night you remind him of how incredibly stupid it was and he replies by shoving you up against the wall and ripping your shirt off.

You don't object.

xxxxx

A week later you're sitting on the bathroom floor of his apartment and you start to shake when you hear the front door open. When he finds you and asks what's wrong you reply by handing him the clearly positive pregnancy test and after studying it for a minute, he storms out of the door.

Great.

xxxxx

Just when you decide that you're ninety-nine percent sure he isn't going to come back, the front door cracks open and your first thought is that Derek sent someone to kill you because it sure as hell can't be Mark.

He walks into the kitchen and you actually find yourself smiling (something you haven't done in… well, forever) because really, you were sure he had bailed for good.

He takes baby steps towards you, because he knows you're now fragile and emotional and any second you could snap.

"I don't.. I'm not really sure what I'm doing."

You look up at him, giving him the sign to continue.

"But I got these." He holds up the most _insane_ Yankees onesie you've seen in your life and a calendar. "I want to be here, Ad. For you and for our baby."

You respond by kissing him because it's all you really know how to do.

xxxxx

"It's _so_ going to be a boy."

"No." You counter, "It's definitely going to be a girl."

"You sure?"

You lift your head up so that your lips ever so lightly brush over his, "I'm sure."

xxxxx

"What do you think about Carson?" You ask, flipping through a book of baby names.

"Carson." He says to no one in particular, "I like it."

xxxxx

The first time you hear a nurse say it, you ignore it. The second, third, and forth time you still ignore it.

In fact, you ignore it _six_ times before you actually see with your own fucking eyes, Mark walking out of an on-call room with some skanky peds nurse and her half tucked in scrubs and messy hair along with the red lipstick smudged on Mark's neck certainly suggested that they were doing something else besides sleeping.

You walk straight up to him in the middle of the floor and slap him across the face, receiving immediate attention from the entire nursing staff.

"You fucking asshole."

"Addison, what the he-"

"Oh, don't give me your shit, Mark. You fucked a peds nurse and before you even try to deny it." You run your fingers over the lipstick on his neck, showing him what he stupidly forgot to wipe off.

"Fuck, Addison, I…"

"Don't. Don't even try to explain I'll just... see you later." You turn and walk out of the hospital, a single tear making its way down your face.

xxxxx

The second he walks in the door, you flip.

"Addison, look.."

You cut him off by throwing the closest thing in your reach, which happens to be a picture frame at his head. You only miss by an inch.

"Are you fucking insane?"

"Maybe." You say, "But I'm also pregnant, with your _fucking_ baby and you cheated on me." You point out bluntly, "With some skanky ass peds nurse."

"I was scared, Addison."

"Fuck you, Mark." You take a step closer, "I fucking _hate_ you."

"Addie."

"Don't you dare call me Addie, you lost the right."

"_Addison_, don't you think you're overreacting a little?"

"Overreacting?" You scream, "Are you fucking _kidding _me?"

"Ad-"

"No, I'm leaving." You pick up your purse and storm out the door.

xxxxx

You're not exactly sure why you show up, but you do.

You're shaking uncontrollably, which he notices and you shut your eyes and take in a deep breath before blurting out all together, "Ihadanabortion."

"What?" He snaps.

"I had an abortion."

He's silent for a second before he snaps, "What the fuck were you thinking?"

_"I was scared." _You mimic his words from the night before.

"No, you can't use that as an excuse for this. This is inexcusable."

"Don't even pretend like you gave a shit."

"I did… I _do_."

"You cheated on me."

"I made a mistake."

"I gave up eleven years of marriage for you."

"I love you."

She ignores the statement, "I'm going to Seattle."

"What did you just say?"

"I'm going to Seattle. Tomorrow, actually."

He doesn't even need to ask what's in Seattle, "What the hell happened to you, Addison." He walks out of the door leaving you alone, once again.

It's then you realize that the only men you've ever loved both have tendencies to walk away, and that beneath everything, they're nothing but exactly the same person.

xxxxx

Two hours later you walk back into your house, _Derek's_ house and in the midst of walking upstairs your eyes wander to a picture of the three of you and when you realize that thanks to you, the three of you will _never_ be the three of you again, it's all too much to bear. You collapse onto the ground and cry yourself to sleep.

You silently thank god you didn't come here with Mark because he'd tell you that you were being melodramatic and you'd tell him to fuck off and the next thing you know his tongue would be down your throat which would've just added on to the already _oh so_ fucked up situation.

The next morning you're boarding a plane to Seattle and when you take your seat you pull out your cell phone from your purse. Quickly, you scroll down to Mark's name in your contact list, and press 'new text message.' You feel yourself start to tear up as your fingers glide along the keyboard to form the words "I love you too." As you press send, the tears fall down your face and you make no effort to stop them.

You have a feeling that for the next few months crying will occupy most of your time and you might as well get used to it.

xxxxx

You're walking down the hallway so fast that you're finding it extremely hard not to trip and he's walking straight up to you and you know, without even turning around that he's almost next to you so you decide to give up.

You glance over Mark's shoulder and see Derek watching in the distance, biting down hard to keep from screaming, and forming fists with both of his hands.

At the time what you didn't see is that no matter what, it always was, and always will be the _three_ of you, overly dysfunctional or not, it _will_ always be the three of you and whether or not you're all friends, in the end you all wind up together.

You spend years trying to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, why he was absent, why he didn't care.

And as you walk back into Seattle Grace for the first time in five years, it becomes painfully obvious.

Truly, there was never even a DerekandAddison to begin with.

~*~

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